How Many is too many?

OK so we have heard those old sayings like
"I'm turning over a new leaf"
"Today is a NEW start" or
"Every journey begins with one step"
But what about when that tree runs out of leaves? Or the thought of yet ANOTHER new start is to over whelming to bare or you are taking this same journey for the 100th time and you frankly tired of the same scenery and you never make it past a certain point.
How many "new" starts are TOO many?  how many times can you say whelp her I go again with out others, more importantly yourself, loosing faith in you?  When that faith in your success is lacking or gone then what?  Where do you get the gumption to start over..AGAIN?

This is where I am with my weight/health journey.  I started this blog to have a sort of a point of accountability however hard or embarrassing it was going to be I really thought that it would help.

it did for a minute but regardless of my best intentions I have always stopped for one reason or other with my health and fitness regimes. 

I have had a personal trainer, Money has run out.

I have gone with others to work out, we are either at different levels of our own health or we would allow each other to back out from work out day.

I have tried home videos, I do good for a while then get bored bcs i really need to be around others

I was part of a run group that met early mornings and i was doing great, then i missed due to illness and by the time I was ready the leader was off on maternity leave and it is yet to pick up again.

I am 37 and my healthy click is ticking ticking away...I know I need to get better for my kids, my own health for me but for some reason I can never keep to it.

I heard one time on some Oprah or Dr. Phil show years back that a "big" girl was in my same boat and that she was secretly Scared to lose the weight bcs she identified with that person a "Fat Person"  her friends knew here that way and she didn't recall what it was like to be "thin/healthy" and she was scared that others would not like her anymore.  She made herself the butt of jokes and people laughed and that was what she felt like ...comic relief.  Is that what I am doing?  I joke and tell people that "God made me fat bcs he and I both know I would love my healthy body so much i would dress like a HOE for real!"  So my punishment is being fat.  Look I told ya in the beginning this was not gonna be pretty but these are my thoughts.  i know I am fat BCS OF ME and my bad food choices blah blah blah.

I was at one time all growing up in great shape.  After my first child at 20 I was able to get my body back...over the years and having a second marriage and 2 more kids I have let it all go.  I have mos of doing great and then BAM i hit a wall for whatever reason and I am down for the count.

I got on the treadmill today and it felt great...the last 10 mins of the jog I was almost in tears bcs i felt an overwhelming FEAR come over me...Fear that tomorrow i would find a reason to not get back on that treadmill and do what i needed to.  I was fearful of letting myself down yet again.

So how many start overs is too many?  could this be a NEW start for me or is it just another set up for failure? 

Till tomorrow I will keep my fingers and laces crossed!