Well the title says it all. I really don’t know where to start so I will just jump right on it......
Ok so truth be known I started this journey to be a "real runner" and be in better shape in August 2009. I half knew that it was not going to be an easy or quick ride, but that other half if me thought somehow I would get thru it with a strength that I THOUGHT I had inside...Now let’s face it I am a BIG girl so these halves are pretty big! Well today I feel like that "Strength" is well watered down to say the least. This is a small portion of the email I sent to Killer tonight......Excuse the "flowery" language as a friend says. You have to know that this is coming from a very hurting part of me right now.
...."that being said honestly if that had not come up I don’t know that I would want to come (to tomorrow night’s PTS) anyways.
I am so flippin ticked beyond belief. I am completely depressed & ticked off about this while weight thing. I have basically busted my butt for 8 months & have gone back & forth only 7 lbs if that!
AND to make things worse I have gained all but 2 back…don’t give me that line of bull about muscle weighing more than fat that would be true if I had muscle like Arnold the terminator but not this. I have ran, worked out, eaten better, drank water till I was blue in the freakin face I am just plain pissed. I feel like my wind is running out and I just wanna cry or hit something...."
And well peeps that is it in a nut shell. I have tried to keep a happy face and tell myself.."ey self it has taken along tome to get here it will take a long time to get back" or "This is your fault for all this be kind to yourself now and work extra hard to get what you are wanting" regardless of this or any other self talk true or not I am at a low right now.
I know we are not to compare ourselves to others BUT I can’t help but thing of 2 people in particular...who had my same story and by this time into their journey they had lost anywhere’s from 25-45 lbs. and me???? 7 whole stinkin retarded dumb lbs...heck that is nothing.....I know I know some of you happy hold outs might say "Come on that is 7 less lbs than you had in the beginning" or "well you have to start somewhere" and to those I wanna say "REALLY that is the best you got?" I am steadily losing what stinkin 25 ounces a day and this is what you got....worse yet this is the best I GOT!!!!!!!
I mean for the past several mos. I have been telling myself that I can do this and that one day in the future I will see the rewards of my efforts but all I see are those stupid idiotic numbers going back and forth between the highest numbers I have seen to date!
What am I doing wrong? Why am I here in this horrible place again? How much more can I ask of my body, my mind hell my family to endure? I take and take and take all this time for myself to work on being healthy and to work on what I think will help me accomplish my goals toward being a better me and a "real runner" but the only running I am doing is CIRCLES around this same ole place I have been for years!
don’t get me wrong I KNOW there are bigger more important issues people deal with in the world...But my world is here in my head and in my heart this is what my reality is right now. This is HUGE to me...THIS is ME.....
I just can’t understand what else I can do at this point...I want to EAT I want to eat to find that comatose place that will take me away from feeling what I am feeling now. I want eat so I can feel that feeling of relief that I get from eating...I want eat bcs that has always been what has helped me to escape....
In a last ditch effort I am going to a specialist on the 28th of this month and have a full blood panel done to see if there is anything else that could be going on. That is my last real chance at trying to find out why this weight will not come off. It should not be this hard! It should not be this devastating to a person’s soul to just be normal and be happy and be healthy!
I hate to be one of those "Fluffy people" who just flippantly say "Oh I have a thyroid problem" as they stuff Oreo’s down their throats....but I am beginning to think that maybe that could be a real issue for me. I hate feeling like this...I hate feeling so depressed...I hate feeling so anger...I hate feeling like I am less than I am as I stand around in this fat suit as the real me feels like she's suffocating inside....
So I promised to always keep it real with ya.."how you like them apples?" As I write this I cry because I know how pathetic this all sounds, how so many people will not understand these feelings I have just typed and how they may write some ugly comments...to those people just keep going, don’t judge me, TRUST me there is NOTHING You can say that I have not already said to myself there is nothing you can say that will hurt me more than my own words or thoughts have so enjoy the fact that you have never felt this!
Monday, May 17, 2010
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